Games I Would Fain Play

In Which Various Games I Have Deemed Play-Able at Various Points in My Life are Presented For Your Idle Perusal, on This Lovely April Afternoon

It will be apparent to any of my long-term readers that in my many years of existence upon this mortal sphere I have acquired any number of divertissements, residing in the realms of semi-usual (crossword puzzle solving, diorama construction, amateur box kit enthusiasm) and esoteric (the practice of sexual magick, the collecting of taxidermy involving rare and extinct creatures, summoning lesser elohim). It will interest more than a few, I dare say, that amongst many of my idle fancies lay those that involve games of chance with one or more companions. Whilst some of the games I fain indulge in are to this day somewhat still commonplace enough to warrant no explanation, it has become clear to me that many of fancies have fallen by the wayside over my many years of existence, so to speak. Thus I have decided to turn to a selection of brief excerpts from Hoyle's beloved Rules of Games for services of piquing the interests of you, my dear readers, in but a few of the delights to be beheld from such a simple recipe of a deck of cards and but a handful of friends.

Napoleon: In one of the most ancient and universal families of card games, originally called the "Triumph" family, each player holds five cards and the primary object is to win 3 out of 5 tricks.

Seven-up: There is a large family of games in which the object is to win "high, low, jack and game." Almost surely this principle originated in England in the ancient game All Fours. Brought to America in Colonial times, this game developed into Seven Up, also called Old Sledge or High Low Jack.

Fan Tan: There is a Chinese gambling game called Fan Tan, based on guessing the number of beans in a pot.

Oh Hell (called Oh Pshaw or Blackout in family journals): made its appearance in New York card clubs in the late 1930s. It was said to have come from England, but nothing more is known of its origin. It is one of the best round games for sheer relaxation, yet it is comparable to Hearts in its opportunity for skillful play.

Panguingue: a game for six to nine players, is the survivor in the direct line of Conquian, the ancestor of all the Rummy Games. In the western United States, many commercial clubs flourish, devoted principally to furnishing their habitues with "Pan" games.

Klaberjass: means "jack of clubs"-originally the highest trump card in Central European card games. This popular two hand development, popular also in France as Belotte, was immortalized in American picaresque literature by Damon Runyon and is known by various names and spellings: Clob, Clobber, Clabber, Klab, Klabber, etc-sometimes even by the name Kalabrias, which actually is a different game, played in Hungary.

Skat: was developed prior to 1818 in Altenburg, Germany, out of two pre-existing games, Tarok, and Schafkopf. The rules of Skat were codified at a congress of more than a thousand players at Altenburg in 1886. German immigrants brought the game to the United States and an American Skat League was founded at St. Louis, Missouri, in 1898.

Thank you for perusing this list today. If by chance, your curiosity has been engaged, may-haps you would enjoy composing a letter to my amanuensis about your possible interests in learning some of these varied games of skill and chance. I have vain fancies of starting a local Skat league, and the More the Merrier, as is often said.

Considering the Jot

In Which Tittles are Revisited, Jots are Explored, Scripture is Quoted, and Hosannas Ring Across the Land

As an informal companion piece to a previous essay regarding the tittle, let us spend a brief moment upon the jot. The word jot, as in "jot or tittle," comes from an anglicization of the Greek letter iota, which corresponds to the Hebrew letter yodh, which is itself the smallest letter in the Hebrew alphabet. Thus we have both jot and iota having the connotations of insignificantly small items, or the smallest of some set of items. The phrase "jot or tittle" is from a translation of the new testament, "For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled."

Addendum: a tittle can also refer to the dots on a die, and before the word dot as a verb became commonplace, tittle meant roughly the same thing for some time. Thus, until recently, people were more likely to tittle their iotas instead of dotting their i's.

A Quiver of...

In which a Poser is Posed, for Means of Educating One Upon the Lexicographies of Various Animal Factions

Ah Monday! who's name is dreaded amongst drippy-nosed school-dickens and their progenitors alike as foreboding of yet another week of enforced dress codes and hours of un-desired work, whether it be memorizing tables of multiplication or key-boarding digits into vast grids; gazing out of casements as the beckoning rays of Helios caress the unfolding petals of new blooms and tempt shirkers into preparing all manner of outlandish excuses in vain hopes of escape. I trust this week-end held delights for all, my dear readers. I know not how you spent your dwindling freedoms, whether by way of indolent stupors or frenzied bacchanalia, I trust it treated you well. Myself, I whiled away my time constructing miniature replicas of famed moments in mathematical history (Archimedes sketching in the sand whilst being menaced by Romans, Euler at work upon his proof of ζ(2)= π²/6, a be-jailed Galois scribbling the into his note-book on the eve before his fate-ful duel, Kopernicus applying thin layers of quicksilver onto Tycho Brahe's moustache with aid of a tiny paint brush as the latter lay in slumber, and so on), preparing and then consuming tiny benedicts comprised of quails eggs and crab mushrooms, and composing love sonnets in Middle English (spring doth affect us all, one way or another).

Today's entry may take the form of both a list, if one is of a more passive nature, and a game, if one is feeling more ambitious. First shall be a series of terms for groups of various animals, and Second shall be a list of those animals referred to above, but scrambled as to pose a puzzle. The challenge is thus: Match the Animal with it's term of congregation. Enjoy!

flange
deceit
bed
smack
coalition
kindle, or intrigue
business
exultation
crash
knob
quiver
posse
singular
mischief
sleuth
flamboyance
mews
wisdom
charm
gulp
clowder
mutation
bazaar

guillemots
finches
ducks
boars
wombats
flamingos
mice
cormorants
cats
cobras
rhinoceros
thrush
ferrets
bears
lapwing
turkeys
capons
jellyfish
cheetahs
kittens
eels
larks
baboon

Pray give this an idle go-around in your afternoon hours, those desiring of reward for their labors may submit their entries by post, with the winners receiving one love-sonnet, to be recited at their window in the gloaming of some summer's eve.

In Defense of Quim

In Which a Catalogue of Antiquated Coarse Euphemisms is Displayed, For the Purposes of Enlivening The Arousal of All.

Whilst researching upon the mild terms of abuse noted in an earlier Posting, I could not help myself but search for some harsher terms in the interests of discovering what possible origins and historical synonyms existed. Thus I arrived at the conclusion that for this weeks Smut for the Refined should take on a more etymological and less literary bent than in the past, as persuing a wide range of interests is always sure to

Of Ass-Hole little is said other than the term is an Americanization of the Common Coarse Germanic term Arse, which has been found on its own as far back as one thousand years in written English, and poetically compounded with -hole for at least six hundred years. Examples in text "Emoroydes beþ five veynes þat strecch out attiþ þe ers," (for assistance in reading see "An Index of Extinct Letters")and "They lete hange fox tailles‥to hele and hyde her arses." A host of evocative synonyms over time include cule, tut, bewscher, croupon, dock, hurdies, prat(memorialized in the term "prat-fall"), posteriums, podex, fundament, flitch, quarter, hinderland, stern-works, jacksy, sit-me-down, quoit, and rusty-dusty. A notable sub-category detailing terms referring specifically to the cleft offers creek, nock, and nockandro for our enlightenment. In other related tangents the word Kallipyg(which naturally comes from the Ancient Greeks, an Ass Appreciating Culture if there ever was one) may be administered to one who's buttocks are of divine proportion.

Prick is yet another gift from the Germanic heritage of our tongue, with close relatives existing in Old Frisian as well as scads of Norse languages. " To turne his pricke vpward, and cast a weauers knot on both his thumbs behind him," and "The pissing Boye lift vp his pricke." The OED lists all of the usual suspects in cock-synonyms as well as a variety of more creative terms like weapon, pintle, pillicock, tarse, loom, verge, pillock, rubigo, prependent, runnion, pego, membrum vitale, pudding, intromittent apparatus, John Thomas, micky, prong, whanger, winkle, meat tool, swipe, and ding-a-ling

Fuck has a long and storied history, although the vast majority of possible etymologies lay primarily within the range of apocrypha (by way of disputing a popularly held mis-conception: If one wishes to take as gospel the information one finds by way of this fellow and his companions, caveat emptor) and out-right balderdash. I hesitate to paraphrase the following information, so without alteration from the OED:

Probably cognate with Dutch fokken to mock (15th cent.), to strike (1591), to fool, gull (1623), to beget children (1637), to have sexual intercourse with (1657), to grow, cultivate (1772), Norwegian regional fukka to copulate, Swedish regional fokka to copulate (compare Swedish regional fock penis), further etymology uncertain: perhaps < an Indo-European root meaning ‘to strike’ also shown by classical Latin pugnus fist (see pugnacious adj.). Perhaps compare Old Icelandic fjúka to be driven on, tossed by the wind, feykja to blow, drive away, Middle High German fochen to hiss, to blow. Perhaps compare also Middle High German ficken to rub, early modern German ficken to rub, itch, scratch, German ficken to have sexual intercourse with (1558), German regional ficken to rub, to make short fast movements, to hit with rods, although the exact nature of any relationship is unclear.

As someone who has never had the opportunity to fuck a German, I cannot personally attest to how much their intercourse resembles rubbing, making short movements, or being struck with rods, but one can only imagine.

The word has for some time only referred to Carnal Intercourse, which of course is what occurs when one does not copulate with one's Wife and the sole blessed intent of procreating and thereby increasing the number of God's Children upon the this Mortal Sphere, but engages in sinful and depraved fornication for purposes of Gratification of a Physical Nature. As, of course, depraved fornication is almost by definition more interesting than blessed procreation, there are innumerable historical synonyms for carnal intercourse, for example felter, swive, jape, mell, jostle, tup, jumble, grind, commix, wap, bolster, occupy, subagitate, fanfreluche, jig-a-jig, perform, pull a train, and molluck.

As a side note of some small interest, there is a bird named Windfucker. I am telling you the truth, my friend; if you believe me not see Lenten Stuffe by T. Nashe for verification. And then forever ban thyself from reading this web-blog, for I shall have not Doubting Thomases numbering themselves among my Devotees and Acolytes.

Finally, let us finish with a Bang! so to speak, and with no further ado, Take a Look at the History of that most infamous of todays Heavy Cusses: Cunt. It is clearly (note the overall harshness of its pronunciation) of Germanic origin(as are all of the words examined here today. One might be able to argue that the seeming prominence of Germanic origins of coarse language in the English tongue may have to do with the Anglo-Saxons were for some time the under-classes in Southern Britain with the language of the Noble Classes being a form of French adopted by Norse conquerors of first Nuestria, then England(Norman being of course a form of "North Man"), thus leading to Saxon words having a distinctly earthy connotation as compared with the more refined air of the Romance Language additions), with similar phonotypes existing in Norwegian (kunta), Danish (kunte), and the Germanic kunton. The oldest known usage of the term in the English tongue is found in a compendium of informal street names in 13th century London, where one can only imagine what activities would take place upon the illustratively titled Gropecuntelane. Further along in history, in a Folio of "Loose and Humorous Songs," one comes across the lyric "Vp start the Crabfish, & catcht her by the Cunt," unfortunately with little context (or sheet music) for accompaniment. Alternate vernacular terms for the region of interest throughout time include Privy-Chose, the Shell, Lap, Quim (indubitably my favorite, and one I have vain hopes of reintroducing into common parlance), Honey-Pot, Parovarium (or the Organ of Rosenmu(umlat)ller), paroophoron, Minge (my second favorite), Pocket-Book, and Zatch.

Who would I be if I ended this transcription without suggesting some form of diversion by which one can utilize some, if not all, of the delightful information found herein? Attempt to initiate some depraved fornication of your own, using any whatever methods you prefer (myself I utilize a half unbuttoned cardigan accompanied by a partially finished New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle, and let my sheer animal charisma do the rest), and then whilst in the midst of fornicating, interject various "pillow phrases" such as "Allow my Rubigo lay entry to your Quim," or "Tumble me in the quoit with your rude pillicock." It will be sure to enliven your life, one way or another.

Current Mild Derogatories and Their Possible Origins

In Which, Due to Various Mis-Fortunes and Unforeseen Responsibilities Springing Out of The Wood-Work Like So Many Nagging Termites, a Most Abbreviated Post is Posted, For Your Slight Enjoyment

Nerd appears to be the invention of Dr. Seuss, although in the context he uses it refers to one of his standard fantastic animals

Dork is, contrary to rumour not the penis of a whale, but simply a mid-western re-con-figuration of the word dick.

Dweeb is possibly a result of appending dw to the past derogatory feeb, but like much slang, little can be said for sure.

Twerp is decidely uncertain, the oldest printing one can find utlizing this term is a handbook of sailors jargon, and as I may attest, the Gods only know from what multitudionous sources they derive their cant.

As a side note, the OED allows one to historically list various synonyms, taking dork as a starting point, one ends up viewing such past insults as hinderling, fouling, dogbolt, pilgarlic, skit-brains, ketterel, skybald, mumpsimus, smatchet, scabship, polecat, cittern-head, petti-toe, mustard token, snotty nose, shag-rag, glow-worm, whiffler, snool, ramscallion, spalpeen, tripe-hound, shite-poke, lint head, squiff, and the quintessentially yiddish schmegeggy

An Anniversary Jubilee

While it has seemed to me to be but the merest blink of an eye from whence I began this Web-Log, perusal of my date book has revealed to me that over one whole series of lunar rhythms has since passed, days spiraling logarithmically into the the halls of time. Examination of my semblance in reflecting-glasses shows little evidence of the passage of time other than a certain new-grown shaggy-ness in and about my hair and a perhaps perceptible added degree of weariness to the dark bags under my eyes, yet as I peer out of the window of my study I can see by the now omni-present mobs of Gang-Bangers and Roust-a-Bouts lounging in informal ellipses about stoops and corners that Spring-Time has officially Sprung. I can't help but berate myself over all of the essays begun but not yet finished, or finished but not yet polished, that have accumulated in that now noted passage of time such as Gravure and Foxing, the Wasp Gun, Pornographic Daguerrotypes, the Relationship Between Curry and Combinatorics, Famed Crucifixions, the Quaternion-Vector War, Paraprosdokian, Excerpts From Hoyles Beloved "Rules of Games," and Baby Manipulation for Fun and Profit, but I can always return warmth to my heart by poring over those writings refined enough to "make the cut," so to speak, on subjects as varied as Inappropriately Placed Flowers, Eggcorns and Their Ilk, Moss Piglets, Sex Hair, Diversions of Ramanujan, Pugilistic Appellations, Tittles, Wynn and Yogh Tagas the Conductor, and many more.

In honor of this anniversary I shall return like, much like ouroborous the world serpent, to the tome who's excerpts first inspired this web-log, the ever delightful and questionable reliable "Why We Say It." Let your gaze pass o'er these edifying snippets to help soothe the passing of time as minds turn to enterprises of a week-enderly nature.

Toady. What is the original of the term "toady"?
The original "toady" was the magician's assistant who ate toads so that his master could demonstrate his magical healing powers-since at one time toads were considered poisonous. Th other duties of the "toad-eater" were very much like those of the "yes-man" of today-to prove the boss right-and so we got the word and its meaning.

Welsh Rabbit. What is the reason we call a dish made of cheese "Welsh Rabbit"?
The term is humorous. The Welsh were supposed to be so poverty-stricken that they could not afford even rabbit meat but had to substitute cheese for it.

Drunk as a Fiddler. What is the reason we use the phrase "Drunk as a Fiddler"?
The expression refers to the fiddler at wakes and weddings whose fee was often set at "all the liquor you can hold." In order to get his full fee it was necessary for him to drink long and often.

Amuck. Where did we get the phrase "running amuck"?
From Malaya. Malays under the influence of opium or a stimulant sometimes become very excited-so excited that they rush about with daggers, killing anyone they chance to meet and yelling, Amoq! Amoq!-meaning "Kill! Kill!"

May thine week-end bless thee with fruitfulness.

In Honor of the Semi-Apsis

In Which a Celebration of Coming Warmth is Noted, and In the Interest of Actively Celebration Such, a Game of Apogee and Perigee is Presented, Followed by a Gallery of Concupiscent Vivications

Ah! Spring-time has arrived, and with it, fancies of romantickal nature spring forth in the loins of all fortunate enough to have not yet been so wearied with their existences) to the point of pudendal anæsthesia. Whether it is the glimpse of bare calves afforded by the growing tilt of the Earth towards the Sun warming the atmosphere to such a degree that young ladies throw caution to the brisk but still warm Easter winds and trade constrictive pant-a-loons in favor of less restrictive garments, or the palpable thawing of the soil that endorses the sultry emergence of such warm weather portents as the ambrosial crocus, symbols of fertility and nubility abound. In respect of the coming fecundity, to-day's web-log posting shall be of a bi-cephalic nature, with one section devoted to stimulation of purely intellectual delights, followed by another section offering a purely dionysian provocation.

Firstly, I am pleased to offer a small but amusing game to help those of you constrained within airless cubes for the duration of your day-light hours. It is a game of matching, in which first is listed a selection of cosmological bodies, and second is listed a selection of body-specific terms for apsides. The goal of the game is match the body with it's apsides. Enjoy!

Perigalacticon & Apogalacticon
Periastron & Apastron
Perimelasma/Peribothra/Perinigricon & Apomelasma/Apobothra/Aponigricon
Perihelion & Aphelion
Perihermion & Apohermion
Pericytherion/Pericytherean/Perikrition & Apocytherion/Apocytherean/Apokrition
Perigee Apogee
Periselene/Pericynthion/Perilune & Aposelene/Apocynthion/Apolune
Periareion & Apoareion
Perizene/Perijove & Apozene/Apojove
Perikrone/Perisaturnium & Apokrone/Aposaturnium
Periuranion & Apouranion
Periposeidion & Apoposeidion
Perihadion & Apohadion


Neptune
Black Hole
Earth
Sun
Pluto
Saturn
Galaxy
Luna
Mercury
Jupiter
Uranus
Venus
Mars
Star

And secondly, as has become a weekly tradition of presenting smut of a refined nature, I offer without any further ado, a selection of erotic prints. Enjoy!

Dalliance Upon the Tree of Woe

In Which a Short Introduction to the World of Wrestling Holds is Given, in the Interest of Sharing With You the Sheer Tactile Bliss of Their Sobriquets

As I may have already informed you, my faithful readers, I consider myself an exemplar of masculinity. As such, there are only two competitive spectator sports that I deign to keep myself informed upon: The Sweet Science of Pugilism, and Wrestling. In striking contrast to many of today's popular competitions which are riddled with byzantine bureaucratic tomfoolery and crass consumerism, these rivalries are notable for their strict reliance upon the participants embodying the twin ideals of physical perfection and keen strategic cunning.

Today we shall focus upon the art of Wrestling and I shall save my words on Pugilism for a future posting. Wrestling is unique in it's fusion of populist Guignol theatre with supra human feats of strength. As a gift to you, I shall share with you the titles of a few of my favorite wrestling holds, may the distinct and concise poetry of their nomenclatures in hinting at the violence of their intents enliven your day.

Front Chancery

Camel Clutch

Fujiwara Armbar

Gogoplata (aka Hell's Gate)

Boston Crab

Seated Matchbook Pin

Pumphandle

Rivera Cloverleaf

Tiger Feint Crucifix Armbar

The Lady of the Lake

Skin the Cat

The Tree of Woe

As a project for you at home, try but a few of these out upon a sibling, or a bemused neighbor for a chance to feel the innate poetry of the cognomens. If you are of a more meek-minded nature, construct a sonnet utilizing as many of these christenings as possible, or perhaps a series of haiku accompanied by Water Color paintings.

Ennui, Vocabulary, and a Challenge

In Which Doldrums Are Turned To Delight as I Dole Out Appropriate Portions of Unique Vocabulary, Illuminating Your Lives Much in A Similar Way as did Zeus in Showing Himself to Danaë in the Form of a Shower of Gold

Late February in the Metropolitan Middle West: a bleak period of various forms of unpleasant precipitation pissing down from the heavens, when all that remains of St Valentine's gifts are chocolate smudged ridged wax papers and slowly wilting foil balloons, when the lengthening of the days grows steadily more apparent allowing one more time by which to view the piles of accumulated filth and coalesced car pollution left behind by melting snow banks. I know not how you, dear readers, while away these dredges of late winter. Perhaps you stare vacantly at high definition screens regaling you with the easily resolved mis-haps of broadly drawn stereo-types. Or may-haps you soothe your tattered souls by way of the coarse consumption of grain spirits enlivened with carbonated corn sugar, writhing away to the thumping pulse of Popular music until dervish like states of unconsciousness are obtained.

I pass these late February afternoons organizing my Shostakovich 320 gram vinyl collections firstly by year of recording, secondly by last name of conductor, thirdly by key (following the circle of fifths most naturally), fabricating word ladders that double as Amusing Ethical Parables of Possibly Ironic Nature (hubris to suffer, love to hell, math to holy, et cetera) and relaxing in my tan and blue Burberry upholstered arm chair reading my way through the Oxford English dictionary. While engaging in the latter activity, I find that when entries tickle my fancy I summon my amanuensis (a some ill bred lad who I discovered on Craig's List, literate but poorly learn'd, and whom I pay in boiled russet potatoes) hence to inscribe the very words that have delighted me, for future use in my Semi-Annual Obscure Word Jumbles. Here then is a light selection from that very list, compiled for the raising of your late winter spirits.

bezique: a trick taking card game for two, played with a double pack of sixty-four cards, including the seven to ace only in each suit.

bilverdin: a green pigment excreted in bile.

caruncle: the red prominence at the inner corner of the eye.

festschrift: a collection of writings published in honour of a scholar.

jiggery-pokery: deceitful or dishonest behavior.

leucistic: having whitish fur, plumage, or skin due to a lack of pigment.

mugwump: a person who remains aloof or independent, especially from party politics.

pneumatophore: the gas filled float of some colonial coelenterates, such as the Portuguese-man-of-war.

subfusc: dull or gloomy.

tetrapterous: having two pairs of wings.

voussoir: a wedge shaped or tapered stone used to construct an arch.

xeriscape: a style of landscape design requiring little or no irrigation or other maintenance, used in arid regions

Ah yes, and there was to be a challenge, was there not? Concoct a viable scenario in which all of the above listed words would be appropriate to. Then with the aid of an out of work alcoholic scripting hack, put together a one act play. Find a group of like minded individuals and stage a free public production of your Play. A park would be nice, preferably not the kind filled with urinating derelicts. Those who complete this challenge may feel satisfied in that they have potentially disappointed me somewhat less than most people in this world.