In Which the Various and Sundry Explications of the History of the Appellation Pumper-Nickel are Considered and Annotated
Pumpernickel is a dark and pungent loaf, typically composed of a sourdough starter and rye flour1, and baked at low temperatures for an exceedingly lengthy period of time2. The pumpernickel is a traditionally Westphalian loaf, and has a degree of controversy associated with the exact meaning of it's appellation. The OED would have us believe that the name stems from the German word for 'lout, or bumpkin,' perhaps as an etymological simile regarding the prevelance of coarsely ground flours in the bread itself, or just as a thinly veiled judgement against Westphalians3. From the annals of apocrypha we have the implausible tale of Napoleon refusing in disgust the offer of pumpernickel bread during his invasion of Germany, declaring that the bread would be fit only for his horse Nicole, or "C'est pain pour Nicole"(which the more observant amongst us will recognize as an example of soramimi). Finally, from the philologist Johann Christoph Adelung we have the charmingly crude explanation that since Pumpen was a German term for flatulence and Nickel was a form of the name Nicolas, which was often associated with minor imps, devils, or Satan himself, then pumpernickel must mean "The Devil's Fart4."
1Additionally, it often contains molasses, cocoa, or ground coffee, although pumpernickels constructed in this manner are but cheap pale reflections of the Platonic Ideal of Pumpernickel (see following note).
2The lengthy baking period is what typically results in an authentically darkened Pumpernickel. This reaction between the sugar and the amino acid causing the intense and wide degree of flavors in the pumpernickel is called the Maillard Reaction
3never cross an Oxford philogist lest you end up memorialized insultingly in the dominant Dictionary of our times. Also many are insane, and at least one author of the OED was a deranged murderer who castrated himself
4the exact interpretation of why pumpernickel bread is the devils fart is also a subject of some debate. Some say that as the bread in its traditional form can often result in indigestion one consuming the loaf would then themselves be consumed by "the devil's farts." Others say that the ripe, and often pungent smell of the loaf whilst baking is the eponymous "devil's fart." Still others claim that the term predates the bread itself and was simply a term of derision towards Westphalians that shifted towards their traditional loaf.
